Journey to a Gracious Woman

Well, we have to almost start all over again. After Jeremiah got sick last week (it last about a week) he didn’t sleep well at all, so he’s so sleep deprived, trying to sleep train him was a nightmare. He was so overtired, he would just scream from exhaustion and not settle down. I just figured out today that’s what it was. He had his first “good” nap today in at least a week. He slept on me the entire time. I figured I could at least catch him up a bit. I got a really awesome book today that seems to be exactly what will fit Jeremiah for sleep training. It’s called “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”. This doctor is an advocate of “cry it out” except at nap time, only because crying it out for more than an hour throws off the sleep pattern for the whole day (24 hours) and can disrupt the bedtime sleep patterns, etc. Anyhoo, if your child is having trouble learning to sleep on his/her own, I recommend this book. I will post updates on how it’s working.
So, enlight of him not sleeping, I haven’t slept, so I’ve got like mild depression because I’m so sleep deprived. I’ve been real irrational and short-tempered. I was wondering what was wrong with me! LOL

I’ve been listening to a series by Joyce Meyer called “Break Through”. She is whipping me into shape. I just love her. I will be listening to this series as much as I can so I can soak up and remember as much as I can! Things will get better, I know it. They already are!

I think I am battling a bout of mild depression. I just seem to not be happy about anything and am feeling guilt-ridden just about everyday because I feel like I don’t measure up. Thankfully Jesus does so I don’t have to. But satan likes to continue to beat me up over the head so that I can’t think straight. I am pressing forward and I don’t think he likes that. God will prevail and I will keep fighting until the day of completion!

I’ve been trying the “cry it out” method on Jeremiah for some time now and it’s just not working. I went to the library and got the book “Good Night, Sleep Tight” by “the Sleep Lady” and I do want to try her method. I just know it’s going to cost me sleep, lol. Not that having a baby hasn’t already done that. But if and when I’m awakened in the middle of the night, I’m so groggy and tired that I’m so irrational and impatient. Most times I just don’t have the patience to carry out the training all night. I know that shows inconsistency but it just takes it’s toll. SO, I am going to try this new method tonight and stick with it. Getting him down initially isn’t as bad as trying to get him back to sleep in the middle of the night. I guess I just worry that he won’t get it, but after reading about the stories in this ladies book about babies who were way worse off then Jeremiah, there should be no doubts that he can and will be trained to soothe himself to sleep. It is kind of like the cry it out method, but in a gentler manner. To check out her book and methods click here to go to her website. It did work for Benjamin at 18 months old. If it worked for him there should be no reason why it won’t work for Jeremiah.

Hey everyone! Molly is doing a drawing for a FREE Taste of Home Cookbook and a magazine subscription of your choice (from a list). Visit her blog here to find out how to enter!

Ok, I am really going to put myself out there right now. I really want the glory of Jesus to be known in my life and I see it as a testimony in the making.
During worship yesterday God really spoke to me. One thing is right out of the Bible, but He told me during worship. Sometimes we can read something or hear it over and over again but just aren’t receptive to it for one reason or another or we just don’t get the “revelation” of it. But the Lord said to me that I am not bound by my sin. I will still sin daily, but I am not bound by it. I am not enslaved by it.
Therefore, I shouldn’t be living as I am and that’s what I’ve been doing. It has really been a battle trying to crawl out of this hole I’ve been in. I’ve been battling with satan for like the last 10 days on renewing my mind and believing every Word of Truth as Truth, not just merely Words.
Another thing the Lord said to me that may be an explanation for some other issues I’m having is that I don’t love myself. In fact, I hate myself. I know that sounds like some strong words, but I cried upon hearing the Lord say that to me because it’s true. I do not like who I am – I despise who I am. Since I don’t love myself, how can I love others? I mean, how can I know how to do that if I can’t even love myself? This is more of a recent development. Oh gosh, I wonder if this has anything to do with having Jeremiah? Postpartum Depression? He is 6 months old – is it too late for that? Ok, I am not trying to speak things on myself, but seriously, where did all this darkness in me come from? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I feel like I have to be perfect? Hmm, maybe all those books that I’ve been reading that tell me “10 steps to make things better.” I fail to meet any of them. Could that be it? Perhaps it’s time to start reading something else for a while.
Looks to me like a combination of things could be going on here. I just know I’m getting more miserable trying to come out of it. The harder I fight, the harder satan fights. He wants to keep me down. What else must I do?
Jesus is working with me and I promise I want to come out of this. I’m praying and listening and trying my best to obey. Let the glory of the Lord rise above this and be known in my life. Let this be a testimony in the making of what God wants from us, and it’s not to be or feel condemned or depressed or burdened.

Today was quite a challenging day – not that my other days aren’t filled with challenge. I think I have the wrong mindset going into my days. You see, I believe my days should move along with some form of “normality”, however, what exactly is “normal”? Each day should be considered a new adventure to pursue, a new challenge to rise to, an exciting journey to enjoy. How do we get into this rut of it being “everyday life” and “just another day”. Even in the midst of our routines, we can make each day “the best one ever”.

So my thoughts today are, what can I do to make Friday “the best one ever”? For one day, I will make the effort to just lay aside the “essentials” of cleaning and just “go with the flow” and enjoy being with my children. I don’t understand why we as moms feel like we have to get it all done in one day. I think just “chipping away” at it is key.

In the midst of everything, mothers should take time to love and laugh and
pray. Then life will be worth living, each and everyday. ~ Susan Wall

Take time today to enjoy the day, not just “get through it”.

Ugh! Since my first post I haven’t changed a thing in my diet and haven’t gotten out to run either. What’s wrong with me!? Why is this so hard?!!? Why is everything so hard?! Why do I struggle so much with discipline? I hate it! It really doesn’t matter to me why – I’m tired of excuses. There aren’t any. I have none. It’s the simple fact that I’m a selfish being and I hate that about myself!

We went to the apple orchard this weekend and I saw some pics and I’m pretty disgusted. I just don’t like the way I look. I’ve never weighed this much and I just don’t like it. It hurts to wear my pants – yada yada yada. I’m such a hypocrite because I always say that people are so lazy and want the easy way out and here I am being just like that!!!!!!!!!! I want to have my cake and eat it to, darn it!!!! But, I can’t. I have to choose the life I want to live. Would I rather indulge in the sweets and get what I want and feel cruddy about myself, and feel yuck all the time or would I rather feel good because I eat all good foods, exerise for energy and weightloss, and feel good in my own skin as well? I have to follow through on my plan for it to happen – and it just won’t happen overnight. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes discpline, of course.

Again, God, I need you. Please, be my strength and my portion in this. Please. This is a picture of my daughter and I at the apple orchard – and then me, my daughter, and my son (one of them).

Everytime I eat the junk, it tastes good, but I feel bad and guilty. When I don’t eat it, I feel deprived, yet there is a sense of satisfaction for self-control (or God-control!). So weighing the options, I feel bad all around when I eat junk food – except for while I’m eating it. Not eating it, I get bad cravings, but if I can overcome them (with Jesus) there is a deeper sense of satisfaction then had I eaten it. Yes, it’s harder to contain myself, but the satisfaction is much greater.

Having said all that, I am going to try again! :0)

Today is Day 1. Tomorrow morning I am getting my butt up and running – I don’t care if it’s raining. I’ll dress for it because nothing is going to stand in my way anymore.

Hmmm…well, still a bit uncertain at this point – but last night I had some blood and it is the ripe time for implantation right now “if” the egg got fertilized – the timing is perfect for it. I told Jonathan all this – he doesn’t seem to excited. I guess it’s difficult because things are just hard right now – personally, I don’t think there is always a “prime time” to have a baby. No, the timing isn’t the best in my book either. I really don’t want to be pregnant right now, BUT, if God wants that then I do, too. I told Him to use me and if He needs me now to give Him another child, then I want to be available, not just physically, but spiritually. He is my portion – He told me that and He told me I can trust Him. I believe Him. I’ll probably update more in a couple of weeks. We are officially in the 2
week wait. I wouldn’t know anything for at least two weeks when I’d be able to take a test. Even then, I don’t know if I will. However, if I start my first cycle before then, we can rule out pregnancy.
So that’s about it!