I can’t seem to get ahold on my life anymore. I feel like I am failing as a mother. And the harder I try the harder the battle is to fight. :( I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope…not with my kids – they are great. But with fighting against my own flesh! Against the schemes of the devil. It seems I have all kinds of solutions, but putting them into practice has been a challenge.For one, the computer can be a HUGE time-sucker of mine when I let it…which is all too often I’m afraid. When I don’t feel like doing something or dealing with something, I run to the computer and hide. :( I hate it! I hate that I am that way! I hate that I feel like I can’t win. I hate that I push my children aside for the computer. And here I am, journaling on the computer about it. *sigh*

Lately I’ve been trying to do whatever I can to get out of the house. The park, the library, play dates. After awhile though, you run out of things to do. We still go to the park and the library once a week – usually on different days. But that still leaves 3 whole weekdays to daddle around on the computer while I’m home.

I’m tired of being selfish. I’m tired of losing the battle. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I am tired of trying all kinds of schedules and methods to keep me on track and failing them. I’m tired of having weak flesh….it’s never satisfied. It always wants more. I’m just tired. The Lord knows how sorry I am and I’m trying to hide his Word in my heart. Yet, sometimes trying to find the time for that is difficult. What do I cut? Because most hours I’m awake, the kids are awake. The other one to one and a half hours is spent with Jonathan…that only leaves me the option to get up extra early in the morning….and by the time I’m fully awake, the kids will be up. What do I do? I mean, I talk to Jesus all day long….I’ll look up verses during the day…but sitting down and taking the time to read and spend time with Jesus has been lacking lately. :( Ugh! I can’t win. :(